Its vacation and I had some time, so I read the book
Quiet by
Susan Cain. All I can say is, wow! Knowing that I am an introvert, I figured I would find this book interesting. What I didn't know, was how accurately she would describe who I am. What I have found most challenging as an introvert, is being an introverted teacher. People who knew me as a child or even High School are often shocked to learn I have become a teacher. I was so "quiet" and introverted that they can't imagine how I could stand up in front of a classroom every day (I don't do this everyday anyway, but I get the point). The power of will is my only answer.
As a student teacher I learned that I loved being immersed in History and Social Studies in a classroom of students after I have gotten to know them. This is the part of school where I felt like I found my niche. Unfortunately there are a bunch of other parts of schools I don't enjoy, but I "fake it". Hallways are horrible. I spend as little time as I can in the hallways. Too many bodies, too much noise, too much chaos. Teenagers are not quiet in the halls, and it all makes me anxious. Assemblies in the Gym, parent evenings in front of large groups, the cafeteria, walking into someone else's classroom, bus rides on field trips, and other things I'm forgetting will all send my cortisol levels soaring and increase my anxiety. I also get easily anxious over talking on the phone, facilitating a meeting, and taking notes at a meeting. On demand performance in any setting stresses me out.
My preference as a student is to be lectured to. I like to listen, and I enjoy taking notes for myself. I totally understand for most that better learning takes place with some hands on activities and collaboration. But as a student, those things send my cortisol levels through the roof. Nothing makes me uneasy more than being in a group of colleagues, or even strangers, and someone telling us, "find a partner or a group of three". Well which is it? Two or three? Finding one or the other requires a different approach. How do you approach someone? Things race through my mind like, "what judgments have they made about me that would lead them to want or not want to work with me?" "Will my face turn red if I start to approach someone and either they approach someone else or already have a partner (or two)?" As a result, I freeze and do nothing. I look away from people and wait until the dust settles and maybe the facilitator will put me with someone. But my anxiety is through the roof. I'm sure this can come across to others as "he thinks he's too good to work with me". The reality is I will always work with anyone, I just need to be invited, not the inviter. Its not that I can't do group work, I can. Nothing is more music to my ears than, "I'm going to put you into groups of 2 or 3 so count off... ". I remember connecting with a former classmate over facebook and she told me her best memory of me was from gym class when we had to pick partners to dance with and it had to be a different person each time. She remembered that I was the only one who didn't seem to want to dance with her. In reality, I would have loved to dance with her, I was just too introverted to choose someone else.
Other areas of my job that are stressful are meetings. I get really stressed when I am asked to give input on things that I have only had a couple of minutes to actually think about. I feel like giving off the cuff gut reactions to ideas is a waste of time. I need time to think things through and feel settled, and confident that my response is sensical and backed up with good reasons. Why blurt out gut reactions and have some one else cut them down? You end up realizing they are right and I would feel a bit embarrassed that I hadn't thought of the point they made. So instead, I don't speak out. I ponder and think of both sides and possible outcomes and arguments for and against. Usually while I'm still in the midst of this some well-intended person says something like "Shane, you haven't said much" or "what are you thinking Shane?" Then I lose my place in my thoughts and my cortisol levels go up once again. I try to verbalize a bit of what I was thinking and it usually comes out wrong. Again, it feels like a waste of time except they now know I was thinking and it wasn't that I was choosing to not participate or upset or something.
These are all the things Susan Cain discusses in her book. What I found really interesting was the research. That being introverted is connected to the amygdala in the Brain. The research involved identifying babies who were "highly reactive" to stimuli like dogs barking, sirens, flashes of light, etc. I am sure I was a highly reactive baby. I still am to a certain extent. Much of the time I can fake it, but it drains my energy to fake it. Loud restaurants, sporting events, concerts, shopping in stores all stress me out. But when I am energized and feeling good I can think my way through it. I just pretend that it doesn't bother me, almost like I am acting. This is how I cope with school too. Its much worse at the start of the year when I don't yet know my students. This is my theory, but basically the more I fake it, the more I build up a "shield". In the summer, when school is not in session, my shield diminishes over time. So when the school year starts every year, my shield is way down. Every class of the day takes a tremendous amount of energy, and I am exhausted at the end. I'm ready for bed by 6 pm each night. I wake up early the next day feeling anxious. My brain has to preview what will happen that day. What I basically am doing in each class, any meetings, etc. My plans have to be meticulous for the day. I have to have them planned to the minute to lessen my stress. Each day that goes by, my shield slowly increases. As my shield increases, my level of planning doesn't have to be as detailed. I don't think as much about the day ahead. Routine eases my anxiety. A low shield is not good. Not only does in stress me out, but it gives me tunnel vision. One time I walked by a student talking on their cell phone in the hallway and met another teacher. The teach stopped me and asked if I was going to speak to the student as they should be in class. I hadn't noticed the student. I really hadn't. How is that possible, right? When my shield is low, I have to keep focused on a task in order to keep my stress down. In this case it was whatever mission I was on and so I didn't notice the student. I don't think the other teacher believed me, and I get that. In the Fall, I stay out of the hallways as much as possible until my shield increases. Usually by the end of October, my shield has increased to the point where I don't get as exhausted. By February, My shield is at full strength and I don't notice these issues as much at all. Then summer comes, and I start the whole process over again.
Power poses are another way I cope. The work of
Amy Cuddy who teaches at the Harvard Business School has been very helpful for me in faking it. I wish I had realized what an insight this was. I may have actually discovered this before she did. When I started teaching, I learned that if I memorized my lessons ahead of time and spoke in an authoritative voice, I could "fake it". I plan where I will be in the room and when, then I make notes for my self and I follow them. I plan on calling on students who did not volunteer in advance. I even pick days of the week in the Fall when I will go into the hallway just to tell students to go to class. All of this helps me to "fake it". But I have to plan it, be intentional, and just tell myself I am acting. I have observed other people doing these things, so I just make mental notes of what they do, and do it the way they do. It seems to work, and I even feel less stressed after doing these things. But Cuddy's studies around how body language actually decreases or increases the cortisol levels in the body was my confirmation.
The first time I was asked to speak at graduation was tough. I spent what was usually a lesser anxiety time of year, in deep anxiety. I ended up giving a speech that was similar to another speech given by someone else. That was they only way I could get through it. The second time I spoke at graduation, it was better, it was short and sweet. But it was still anxious for me and difficult. The last time I spoke was the best. My topic, was this very issue! I spoke about "faking it" and about power poses and the work of Amy Cuddy. It was a big hit. But even then, I was filled with anxiety and "faking it".
So yes, I sometimes do a power pose before class. I spend many a morning gripped with anxiety. I sit quietly in meetings trying to ponder and process my thoughts. I avoid large, noisy crowds and talking on the phone as much as possible. But I am not shy. Among my friends, I will joke, sing karaoke, wear costumes, play games, etc. I would also much rather put this in a blog or a journal than talk to someone about it. If I am quiet or shy in a group, it usually means a have a lot of reverence and respect for that group and see myself as a bit of an outsider. It doesn't mean that I am stuck up (I've been accused of this) or apathetic. I am so happy to have read this book and I thank Susan Cain for writing it. It is possible to be a teacher and an introvert, its just not very easy!
PS- one final thought... an added bonus of being an introverted teacher is that I think I can relate better to introverted students. I'm not entirely sure of this, I can we'd have to ask an introverted student of mine directly. But I understand my introverted students, and perhaps where an extrovert might see them as apathetic, disengaged, stuck up, or even boring I get that most of the time that is not the case. I like to think this is a good thing for their that I can relate to them.
